Random & Incoherent

Miller High Life.......................The Official Sponsor of Mellan

2011-05-27T20:57:00.004-05:00

That's a whole lotta responsibility for one single dollar!

But I am committed to living the High Life, so it shouldn't be a problem

been gone for awhile

2011-03-23T20:34:00.002-05:00

and while i don't really have anything new/interesting/entertaining to share, i do have about 3-6 months worth of mobile phone pics. should bore anyone tuning in to tears, but hey, some people might like them

2011-03-22T20:39:00.001-05:00

bathroom demolition

2011-02-11T21:05:00.001-05:00

Poetry in motion (along the roadsie in Boston, MA)

2011-01-31T21:31:00.000-05:00

Boston, MA in pictures

2011-01-30T21:08:00.001-05:00

Boston, MA in pictures II

2011-01-29T21:25:00.001-05:00

Aziz Ansari, live and in concert (Boston, MA)

2011-01-28T21:28:00.000-05:00

Not the next Annie Leibovitz

2011-01-01T20:52:00.000-05:00

The youngest one went rummaging through my pockets whilst I was in the shower, found my phone and just started taking pictures. Kid's got quite a visionary and multi-perspective view, huh?

He was the perfect size to be Yoda

2010-12-01T20:44:00.000-05:00

Patriotism on a license plate (please forgive the spelling)

2010-11-16T21:32:00.002-05:00

Creativity in vanity plates at it's finest

2010-11-16T21:30:00.002-05:00

ProTip: How to use an elevator without stopping

2010-11-16T21:29:00.002-05:00

2010-11-16T21:28:00.001-05:00

Italian Stiletto

2010-11-10T21:21:00.003-05:00

The Italian Stiletto, more commonly referred to in the US as a switchblade, has a history of terrifying people. And by history, I mean back in the 1950's people got scared of "criminals" or "hoodlums" that carried this type of bladed weapon. But in reality, put up against other knives, either fixed blade or folder, the stiletto is not really all that intimidating. The knife just got a bad rap from the movies.

This particular knife I don't exactly remember how, when, or why I acquired it, but needless to say, it's a part of my collection. In my opinion, it's not really suited for "everyday carry". Sure it's great for stabbing and slicing, or maybe even getting the little chunks of BBQ out of your teeth from lunch, but it's really just a glorified letter opener. This knife sits on my desk and that's exactly what I use it for. Also, there are varying laws, state to state, regarding "assisted opening" knives (and this one definitely qualifies as that seeing as how it's spring loaded and the blade deploys with the push of a button) so you're better off safe than sorry with this one. Leave it on the desk, not in your pocket.

Handle length is just under 5 inches, blade length is right at 3.5 inches, making the whole thing 8.5 inches while open. The blade is 440 stainless steel, and judging from the imprint on the blade, the knife was manufactured in Milano, Italy. I have no idea what the handles are made of and due to the mystery surrounding acquisition, the above specifications are being made simply from looking at the knife.

Just a cool little piece of an eclectic collection.

BOKER PLUS CLB KARAMBIT

2010-11-06T12:33:00.003-05:00

Another knife from the fine folks at Boker, designed by Chad Los Banos (just like the Boker Trance, posted earlier).

This was a Christmas gift from Santa last year. Cool design, hefty knife, but doubtful that it will ever be utilized as an "everyday carry" type of knife.

Can't really give much of a review as it has only been carried a handful of times, and not really used for much as of yet. Comfortable carry, sharp, and intimidating looking.

BOKER PLUS CLB KARAMBIT

Chad goes Karambit! This Chad Los Banos design has it all - framelock mechanism, G-10 handle offering remarkable carrying comfort, and a spring-assisted carabiner. The blade is made of 440C stainless steel, titanium coated, and provides outstanding cutting performance with its recurved tanto style shape. Blade length: 2 7/8". Overall length: 7 3/4". Weight: 5 oz.

The election results are in........

2010-11-06T12:12:00.002-05:00

Divorce Cakes

2010-10-29T21:51:00.001-05:00

2010-10-27T21:31:00.006-05:00

From as far back as I can remember, I've always had a fascination with sharpened bladed instruments. I can't necessarily recall all of the knives I've ever had, or even tell you which was my very first, but I can tell you what re-sparked my interest. And let's keep in mind that I'm not overly analytical about knives either. I couldn't say which type of steel is better than another, which type of handles provide for better grip and traction, or which type of locking mechanism is the best. I can, however, relay from a layman's perspective, what I think.

I had been carrying around a Gerber LST for the last 10+ years, and I'd love to say that I picked it out all shiny and new in the store and took it home to make it mine, but that would be a lie. The truth is that I found it beneath my couch cushions the morning after some rambunctious college party. So let me apologize to whoever left it there and also say thanks for providing me with decent knife to carry around for quite some time.

(pictures are of my actual knife, description is from website where you can purchase your own)

Gerber L.S.T. 6009 (Light, Strong, Tough) Lockback Pocket Knife

Just as the name implies the Gerber L.S.T. is made to stand hard use under tough conditions. The Gerber L.S.T. 6009 is 3 1/2'' closed and features a black, lightweight, fiberglass filled nylon handle with checkered grip and lanyard hole. The knife is fitted with a stainless steel drop point blade. Retail cost for this piece is $25.95. Gets yours here at our low discount price of only $16.95.

http://www.foxqualityknives.com/gerber-6009-lst-lockback-knife

Unfortunately, as time goes by and things get used on a regular basis, they start to wear and show their age. Such was the case with the Gerber. I was beginning to notice some side-to-side wobble, as well as some front-to-back wobble when in the open, locked position. This was a sure sign that it was about time to find a replacement.

Now keep in mind that this was no easy decision. I was about to replace something that had traveled with me for the past 10 years or so, this was a true EDC knife.

Everyday Carry, or EDC, generally refers to small items or gadgets worn, carried, or made available in pockets, holsters, or bags on a daily basis to manage common tasks or for use in unexpected situations or emergencies. In a broader sense, it is a lifestyle, discipline, or philosophy of preparedness.

http://everyday-carry.com/

Some of the things that this Gerber helped me with on a regular basis are as follows: opening mail, breaking down boxes, prying open windows, scraping burrito left-overs out of my teeth, trimming the cuticles on my fingernails, slicing limes for the occasional cerveza, assisting in opening the occasional “stuck” locked door, slicing a steak, cutting open those oh-so difficultly packaged kid's toys, (among other things I can't remember), and every so often to whittle.

And once, a very long time ago, I was able to utilize the knife in a self-defense mode, taking the eye of a pirate that was attempting to ransack the village.

So anyway, it was time to upgrade and I really didn't know where to go. I had been out of the game for far to long. Like I said, I didn't know about the intricacies of the knife world, I only knew what I liked. Sharp Steel, cool design, easily whisked away to the inside of a pocket. I knew nothing of quality or craftsmanship.

That's where Whitt steps in. He had been collecting for quite some time and was (and still is) in my opinion, a knife nerd. He knows more about the strength and quality of certain types of steel than anyone I know. I became Anakin to his Obi-Wan, but really still haven't learned all that much. Like I said, I don't really concern myself with the details, just what works and looks cool.

So, enter the new knife, the Boker Trance. Able to accomplish all of the previous knife's work, but in a sleek new form. A bit thinner than my previous blade, different locking mechanism, larger blade, way sharper, and easy one-handed opening. And the price point is what really sold my on it. Ordered online and shipped for just about $30. Can't really beat that.

(pictures are of my actual knife, description is from website where you can purchase your own)

Boker Knives: Boker Trance Knife, BK-BO590

The illustrated Boker Knife is the Boker Trance Knife, designed by Chad Los Banos, that features a 2 3/4" drop point blade made of AUS8 stainless steel. The blade of this Boker knife has a non reflective finish, a notched thumb rest, dual thumb studs and a blade flipper for ambidextrous one hand opening. The stainless steel handle, 3 1/2" closed, has a single black fiberglass reinforced nylon scale, a frame lock and a lanyard hole. An end to end reversible metal pocket clip is included with this Boker knife. The Boker Trance Knife has an overall open length of 6 1/4" and weighs 3.2 ounces.

http://www.knivesplus.com/bokerknifebk-bo590.html

The Boker Trance was thinner in width than the Gerber, had a longer and sharper blade, was a frame lock instead of a lock-back design, and had a clip to keep it in place and make it more easily accessible as opposed to the Gerber which just sat at the bottom of my pocket.

I've been carrying the Boker Trance for a little over a year now and have really come to depend on it. I've enjoyed this knife and it has been a fantastic replacement for my old blade.

But I think that it's getting to be time to replace the Boker Trance. I've got a few things lined up and will revisit this once they've been tested. I think a solid month of EDC for each of the potentials should prove helpful in determining what should be the next big thing.

The thing that really got the juices flowing for new and better knives was the Blade Show in Atlanta, GA.

http://www.blademag.com/bladeshow_attendees

Being able to attend this event was an eye opener. Getting to meet some of the artists and craftsmen that make the blades was a real treat and really got me interested in seeing and knowing more. If you have any interest in knives at all, I highly recommend attending the show in 2011.

Now, I had purchased the Boker Trance a long time before going to the Blade Show. And while I was there only managed to pick up another Boker knife (big thanks to Boker for the freebie). Prior to the show, I received a Boker Karambit for Christmas, and while a very cool knife, not something I picture using for EDC.

See, there are knives that are cool, and there are knives that are practical for day-to-day situations. I've more of the “cool but not practical” than the “practical and cool”. I'm looking to change that so I'll have some diversity in my collection.

Kershaw, Spyderco, and CRKT are all in the works.

I'll keep you posted.

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

2010-10-16T19:39:00.000-05:00

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun!

2010-08-29T20:29:00.000-05:00

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7.. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Etiquette tips for a gay wedding:

2010-08-04T21:09:00.001-05:00

1. Superstition suggests that the two grooms should not get mani-pedis at the same spa on the day of the wedding.

2. It is customary for one of the grooms to carry something shiny, something flirty, something trashy and something dirty during the ceremony.

3. It is generally considered unlucky to use any of the following items during the first dance - flags, hand-held lasers, streamers, whistles or glowsticks.

4. It is considered bad luck if either of the grooms have dated the priest.

5. It is customary for the parents of the grooms to drink during the ceremony.

6. Gay wedding tradition dictates that both grooms refrain from eating wedding cake as it contains too many carbs.

7. It is generally customary to avoid using show tunes during the actual ceremony.

8. According to superstition, it is bad luck to throw the bouquet overhand.

9. It is also considered bad luck to have more than one person named "Bruce" in the wedding party.

10. The best man/men should be prepared with essential items such as chap-stick, tissues, a mustache comb and glitter.

11. If a chihuahua is used in the wedding ceremony, it is generally assumed that the father of the older groom is on "pooper scooper" duty.

A special Fairy Tale just for men......

2010-06-16T21:43:00.001-05:00

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"

The Princess said, "NO!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

The year is 1907

2010-06-16T21:00:00.000-05:00

'In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin.

But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American....There can be no divided allegiance here.

Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all.

We have room for but one flag, the American flag...

We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language..

And we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.'

Theodore Roosevelt 1907

lady killer

2010-05-31T16:18:00.002-05:00

I must apologize for the blurriness of the picture, but it's a difficult task to get a toddler that doesn't know you to stand still long enough to get the right angle. This was taken at my son's daycare. I love parents with a sense of humor.

Locker Rooms

2010-05-25T14:12:00.002-05:00

I am not a fan of locker rooms.

Not because they don't serve a specific purpose, but moreso because some people just feel way too comfortable in the confines of the locker room.
Must have something to do with the smell of chlorine and sweat coupled with the visual of wooden benches bolted to the floor and blue metal mesh lockers.

All I needed to do was utilize one of the urinals, which is in what should be referred to as a "nude free" zone.
There is no need to be naked around the urinals and/or toilets. But some people just can't seem to understand that.

Zip up and turn around to wash my hands, cause you know washing hands can save lives (at least that's what the poster outside the hospital says), and what do I see but naked old guy ass.

What possesses someone to stand naked in front of the sinks and mirrors when all I want to do is wash up without catching sight of old guy schlong?
And I don't mean getting dressed in front of the mirror to check and see that he's buttoned up properly. I mean towel over the shoulder, arms above his head, twig & berries brushing countertop.

Not cool, old guy, not cool.

One little bit to be thankful for, at least he didn't try to strike up a converstion with me.

letter to the passport office...

2010-05-03T21:22:00.000-05:00

Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows
that I bought a cable t.v. from them back in 1987, and yet, the Federal
Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on
my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed
for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's
license, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs
declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane
over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done
at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name
is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if
that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologize, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've
had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you
ask me for my address?

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal asses working there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up
Yasser Arafat, I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you care whether I plan on
visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something
weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to
tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city
and get another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60. Would it
be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in
the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy
and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place
like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some idiot to confirm that
it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not
allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic morons) Hey, you know why we can't smile?
We're totally pissed off!

Signed - An Irate Citizen.

P.S.. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to
confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776
........I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have
had security clearances up the yingyang..........However, I have to get
someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO
WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA !

Sincerely,

You Sure In The Hell Should Know Who I Am.

......................And you want to run our health care system?!?

The Canadian Solution

2010-04-26T11:57:00.002-05:00

Perhaps the United States and the European Monetary Union should consider changing their present currencies too.

Due to the global war on terrorism, many terrorist organizations have had their finances frozen.

Consequently, they have resorted to counterfeiting the U.S.

and the Canadian Dollars as well as the Euros.

The Canadians have decided to redesign their currency to prevent the radical Muslims from even touching it!

It is also hoped that this will have a positive effect on

tourism too.

Muslim terrorists have to kill themselves if they look at

a naked woman.

Those smart Canadians always find the solution!

It must be their clean air and pure water they still can enjoy

up there in the North!

Perhaps the United States and the European Monetary Union should consider changing their present currencies too.

Due to the global war on terrorism, many terrorist organizations have had their finances frozen.

Consequently, they have resorted to counterfeiting the U.S.

and the Canadian Dollars as well as the Euros.

The Canadians have decided to redesign their currency to prevent the radical Muslims from even touching it!

It is also hoped that this will have a positive effect on

tourism too.

Male Date-Drug

2010-04-20T22:37:00.002-05:00

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer ' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship' . In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

For a video to see how Beer works click here:

Beer Demo

Let me get this straight

2010-04-20T22:32:00.000-05:00

We're going to be gifted with a health care plan written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it,

passed by a Congress that hasn't read it but exempts themselves from it,

to be signed by a president who also hasn't read it and who smokes,

with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes,

to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese,

and financed by a country that's broke.

What the hell could possibly go wrong?

2010-04-13T13:29:00.002-05:00

Just a good-natured wager between friends

I wasn't there that night, so I had forgotten about this.

At the time the wager was made, Dave had just ended a relationship and was touting the benefits of being single.

Due to the fact that this marker has been posted, I've been told a certain someone's facebook status has been changed to "in a relationship". Means that it's time to pay up!

Conservative vs Liberal

2010-01-03T01:18:00.001-05:00

If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn`t buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn`t eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.

If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a black man or Hispanic are conservative, they see themselves as independently successful.
Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless it’s a foreign religion, of course!)

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a conservative slips and falls in a store, he gets up, laughs and is embarrassed.
If a liberal slips and falls, he grabs his neck, moans like he's in labor and then sues.

The law is the law......so be it

2010-01-03T01:09:00.000-05:00

So "if" the US government determines that it is against the law for the words "under God" to be on our money, then, so be it.

And "if" that same government decides that the
"Ten Commandments" are not to be used in or on a government installation, then, so be it.

I say, "so be it," because I would like to be a
law abiding US citizen.

I say, "so be it," because I would like to think that
smarter people than I are in positions to make good decisions.

I would like to think that those people have the
American public's best interests at heart.

BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I'D LIKE?

Since we can't pray to God, can't Trust in God and cannot post His Commandments in Government buildings, I don't believe the Government and its employees should participate in the Easter and Christmas celebrations which honor the God that our government is eliminating from many facets of American life.

I'd like my mail delivered on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving & Easter. After all, it's just another day.

I'd like the " US Supreme Court to be in session on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving & Easter as well as Sundays." After all, it's just another day.

I'd like the Senate and the House of Representatives to not have to worry about getting home for the "Christmas Break." After all it's just another day.

I'm thinking that a lot of my taxpayer dollars could be saved, if all government offices & services would work on Christmas, Good Friday & Easter. It shouldn't cost any overtime since those would be just like any other day of the week to a government that is trying to be "politically correct."

In fact....

I think that our government should work on Sundays (initially set aside for worshipping God...) because, after all, our government says that it should be just another day....

What do you all think????

If this idea gets to enough people, maybe our elected officials will stop giving in to the "minority opinions" and begin, once again, to represent the "majority" of ALL of the American people.
SO BE IT...........

You might be a redneck......

2010-01-03T00:37:00.000-05:00

You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God.'

You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You might be a redneck if: You still say ' Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival.'

You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.

You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have.

You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag, nor intend to.

You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same.

You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

Best wishes for 2010

2010-01-03T00:34:00.001-05:00

To All My Democrat Friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or explicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2010, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes.

To My Republican Friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

2010-01-02T23:34:00.001-05:00

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them'

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

The Fix

2009-12-24T01:44:00.001-05:00

Dear Mr. President,

Please find below my suggestion for fixing America 's economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the "Patriotic Retirement Plan":

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed..

2) They MUST buy a new American CAR. Forty million cars ordered – Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage – Housing Crisis fixed.

It can't get any easier than that!!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress pay their taxes...

Mr. President, while you're at it, make Congress retire on Social Security and Medicare. I'll bet both programs would be fixed pronto!

PARENT - Job Description

2009-10-26T11:57:00.000-05:00

POSITION :

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma

Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging,

permanent work in an

often chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication

and organizational skills and be willing to work

variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends

and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to

primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!

Travel expenses not reimbursed.

Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.

Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,

until someone needs $5.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a

pack mule

and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat

in case, this time, the screams from

the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,

such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets

and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and

coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings

for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute,

an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a

half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for

the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and

janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.

Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining,

constantly retraining and updating your skills,

so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.

On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!

Offering frequent raises and bonuses.

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because

of the assumption that college will help them

become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that

you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,

no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and

no stock options are offered;

this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love,

and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

** FOOTNOTE: 'THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!!

Guts vs. Balls

2009-09-30T11:29:00.001-05:00

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: “You're next, Chubby.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome - both result in death..

2012 Candidate For President

2009-09-29T20:28:00.001-05:00

I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE.
HERE IS MY PLATFORM:

(1) 'Press 1 for English' is immediately banned. English is the official language. Speak it or wait at the border until you can.

(2) We will immediately go into a two year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude. NO imports, no exports. We will use the Wal-Mart policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'

(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it.

(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border (six month tour). They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens..

(5) Social security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. Neither the president nor any other politician will be able to touch it.

(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.

(7) Professional Athletes--Steroids. The FIRST time you check positive you're banned for life.

(8) Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There are no more life sentences. If convicted of murder, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim; gun, knife, strangulation, etc.

(9) One export will be allowed, Wheat. The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.

(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.

(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.

(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.

Sorry if I stepped on anyone's toes

GOD BLESS AMERICA

Bill Cosby

I love forwarded emails

2009-09-21T23:26:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure I would eat anything out of there had it been labeled as "edible"

2009-09-21T23:22:00.003-05:00

This is a Scion XB

This is a Scion XB in Salisbury, NC. And he's either got an inferiority complex, or skills and equipment to back it up

If you can't read it, it states "you just got passed by a toaster"

DIVORCE AGREEMENT

2009-09-21T13:17:00.001-05:00

American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters.

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure

our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can

effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns

and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.

You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a necessity we will pay for and not a right. You will love paying the bills for venereal disease (AIDS), drug addicts and lifetime paraplegic care for bronco riders, racecar drivers and motorcyclists that don't like helmets.

We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, &
Jane Fonda with you.

P. S. And we won't have to press 1 for English.

Support Kenneth O'mellan in the 2009 Walk to Cure Diabetes

2009-09-21T13:15:00.000-05:00

This year, I'll be taking part in the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation's Walk to Cure Diabetes along with a half-million other walkers across the country. Our goal: To raise $105 million to help fund research for a cure for type 1 diabetes and its complications.

Type 1, or juvenile, diabetes, is a devastating, often deadly disease that affects millions of people--a large and growing percentage of them children.

Many people think type 1 diabetes can be controlled by insulin. While insulin does keep people with type 1 diabetes alive, it is NOT a cure. Aside from the daily challenges of living with type 1 diabetes, there are many severe, often fatal, complications caused by the disease.

That's the bad news... and yes, it's pretty bad.

The good news, though, is that a cure for type 1 diabetes is within reach. In fact, JDRF funding and leadership is associated with most major scientific breakthroughs in type 1 diabetes research to date. And JDRF funds a major portion of all type 1 diabetes research worldwide, more than any other charity.

I'm writing to ask for your support because now more than ever, EACH of us can be a part of bringing about a cure. Each of us can make a real difference

Won't you please give to JDRF as generously as you're able?

Together, we can make the cure a reality.

Thank you,

Kenneth O'mellan

Please visit my Walk Web page if you would like to donate online or see how close I am to reaching my personal goal:

http://walk.jdrf.org/walker.cfm?id=87424749

Another country's editorial about the USA

2009-09-21T13:13:00.000-05:00

The article was written by Mr. Cornel Nistorescu and published under the title 'C'ntarea Americii, meaning 'Ode To America ') in the Romanian newspaper Evenimentulzilei 'The Daily Event' or 'News of the Day'.

~An Ode to America ~

Why are Americans so united? They would not resemble one another even if you painted them all one color! They speak all the languages of the world and form an astonishing mixture of civilizations and religious beliefs.

On 9/ll, the American tragedy turned three hundred million people into a hand put on the heart. Nobody rushed to accuse the White House, the Army, or the Secret Service that they are only a bunch of losers. Nobody rushed to empty their bank accounts. Nobody rushed out onto the streets nearby to gape about.

Instead the Americans volunteered to donate blood and to give a helping hand.

After the first moments of panic, they raised their flag over the smoking ruins, putting on T-shirts, caps and ties in the colors of the national flag. They placed flags on buildings and cars as if in every place and on every car a government official or the president was passing. On every occasion, they started singing: 'God Bless America !'

I watched the live broadcast and rerun after rerun for hours listening to the story of the guy who went down one hundred floors with a woman in a wheelchair without knowing who she was, or of the Californian hockey player, who gave his life fighting with the terrorists and prevented the plane from hitting a target that could have killed other hundreds or thousands of people.

How on earth were they able to respond united as one human being? Imperceptibly, with every word and musical note, the memory of some turned into a modern myth of tragic heroes. And with every phone call, millions and millions of dollars were put into collection aimed at rewarding not a man or a family, but a spirit, which no money can buy. What on earth unites the Americans in such a way? Their land? Their history? Their economic Power? Money? I tried for hours to find an answer, humming songs and murmuring phrases with the risk of sounding commonplace, I thought things over, I reached but only one conclusion... Only freedom can work such miracles.

Cornel Nistorescu

possible healthcare reform thoughts

2009-09-03T10:58:00.001-05:00

• Equalize the tax laws so that employer-provided health insurance and individually owned health insurance have the same tax benefits. Now employer health insurance benefits are fully tax deductible, but individual health insurance is not. This is unfair.

• Repeal all state laws which prevent insurance companies from competing across state lines. We should all have the legal right to purchase health insurance from any insurance company in any state and we should be able use that insurance wherever we live. Health insurance should be portable.

• Repeal government mandates regarding what insurance companies must cover. These mandates have increased the cost of health insurance by billions of dollars. What is insured and what is not insured should be determined by individual customer preferences and not through special-interest lobbying.

• Enact tort reform to end the ruinous lawsuits that force doctors to pay insurance costs of hundreds of thousands of dollars per year. These costs are passed back to us through much higher prices for health care.

• Make costs transparent so that consumers understand what health-care treatments cost. How many people know the total cost of their last doctor's visit and how that total breaks down? What other goods or services do we buy without knowing how much they will cost us?

• Enact Medicare reform. We need to face up to the actuarial fact that Medicare is heading towards bankruptcy and enact reforms that create greater patient empowerment, choice and responsibility.

• Finally, revise tax forms to make it easier for individuals to make a voluntary, tax-deductible donation to help the millions of people who have no insurance and aren't covered by Medicare, Medicaid or the State Children's Health Insurance Program.

Many promoters of health-care reform believe that people have an intrinsic ethical right to health care—to equal access to doctors, medicines and hospitals. While all of us empathize with those who are sick, how can we say that all people have more of an intrinsic right to health care than they have to food or shelter?

Health care is a service that we all need, but just like food and shelter it is best provided through voluntary and mutually beneficial market exchanges. A careful reading of both the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution will not reveal any intrinsic right to health care, food or shelter. That's because there isn't any. This "right" has never existed in America

Even in countries like Canada and the U.K., there is no intrinsic right to health care. Rather, citizens in these countries are told by government bureaucrats what health-care treatments they are eligible to receive and when they can receive them. All countries with socialized medicine ration health care by forcing their citizens to wait in lines to receive scarce treatments.

Health-care reform is very important.

Whatever reforms are enacted it is essential that they be financially responsible, and that we have the freedom to choose doctors and the health-care services that best suit our own unique set of lifestyle choices.

We are all responsible for our own lives and our own health.

We should take that responsibility very seriously and use our freedom to make wise lifestyle choices that will protect our health.

Doing so will enrich our lives and will help create a vibrant and sustainable American society.

Think about this

2009-09-03T10:53:00.001-05:00

1. Cows

2. The Constitution

3. The Ten Commandments

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .... Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Congress is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ... it creates a hostile work environment.

As sent to me by Erik Arnold

2009-04-24T21:58:00.000-05:00

Created by Recipe Star

Great Balls of Fire

2009-03-16T20:41:00.001-05:00

Ladies, it's time to do away with certain pieces of technology. Time to unplug yourselves from the wall outlet and go back to the way nature intended things to be. Time to revert back to before the time of electricity. I'm not talking bout your ipod or your blackberry, but rather your hair dryer. Unplug it from the wall. Smash it with a hammer. Hell, take it to Tennessee and see what it looks like with a .38 slug poking out the back, but for God's sake, just get rid of them. You'll thank me later.

Why the hostility towards the simplest of electronics, Kev? Why can't we have our blowdryers to make our hair straight, shiny, and silky smooth, Kev? What's wrong with a little help after the towel dry, Kev?

Because, if left unchecked, you'll burn your freakin' house down, that's why.

This has nothing to do with jealousy. As much as I might admire your long curly locks, your shiny smooth ponytail, or your perfect updo, I am merely a concerned citizen looking after your well being. For the love of God ladies, please go back to using Mother Nature's wind as a means to get your damp hair dry.

Well, what could you possibly know about fire, Kev?

Really? Have we not covered this topic before? Probably not, as I like to keep the embarrassing, potentially image damaging items out of the limelight. Let's just say that I've had my experiences with the flame and have gotten burned on a number of occasions. Just ask my wife for examples, she'll be happy to help you laugh at my expense.

But why blow dryers, Kev? What has Revlon ever done to you?

Well, as I stated earlier, they just about burned my house down.

There's got to be more than that to it, you've got to be holding back details, Kev. We think you were smoking in the bathroom and caught a basket full of toilet paper on fire and are trying to place the blame elsewhere.

Au contraire. If I was stupid enough to do that, I would fess up to it, everyone would have a few good laughs for the next 20 years or so, and I'd never be allowed to use toilet paper again. A messy predicament, I agree, but something I'd rather not dwell on, as I've already had my fair share of dealing with shit (please find and read previous post regarding the gold crown that never was).

Well then what? Did you have candles lit throughout the bathroom in an attempt to be romantic?

Again, I say pish-posh. Any woman that's ever met me would know that if I tried to pass that off as the story, that I'd be a liar. Not just a liar, but a damn liar. In my world, romance = six pack + pharmaceuticals.

Not to mention the fact that I don't think I could even fit a candle in the midget sized atrocity that is our master bathroom.

Hell, I wasn't even involved until we get to the rescue portion of the story.

But enough of me “painting the picture” for you.
Here's the story:
We were hosting a baby shower at our house. This means that we were having people over. This means that some people showed up early. This means that some people had to take showers and prepare themselves for the upcoming festivities. This meant that those people (mostly women) would need to dry their hair after they lather, rinsed, and repeated. And these people are unaccustomed to sitting in the bed of a truck going 75 mph down the interstate to dry said hair. Therefore, they would need to employ the use of one of those fancy hair drying machines. Unfortunately for me, the ceiling fan in the bedroom does not produce enough air velocity to do the job right.

I had just gotten into the house from my landscaping chore and was having a titillating conversation with my sister-in-law regarding bourbon when I heard shouts of FIRE!\\

I thought to myself, “my, what a cruel joke to play mere moments before a party was to start”. But after that millisecond, my Smokey The Bear instincts came alive and I rushed back towards the sounds panic, no thought to my own safety and well being.

Bursting through the door as if I was channeling Chuck Norris in Invasion USA, I found one woman wild-eyed, loud, and panicked, and another sitting on the floor in disbelief, curling iron still warm in her hand. Resisting the urge to round-house kick them both out of harm's way, I assessed the situation.

My eyes darted to see smoke billowing out of the bathroom. Ah Ha! I've found the problem: an array of flames the size of a croquet ball was sputtering out the backside of the blow dryer, which just happened to still be plugged into the wall.

My daring super hero of a wife, not intimidated by mere flames (as evidenced in other stories) moved with gazelle like grace and speed to unplug the menacing device from the wall outlet. But that was it. That in and of itself did not cease the rapidly growing fireworks display. Remembering that I had the forethought to purchase fire extinguishers for just such an emergency, I pushed past my wife and into the fray I went, throwing towels, rugs, hair care products, and other things I can't seem to remember out of my way as I reached into the super secret hiding spot of the extinguisher, the linen closet.

Bravely, I pulled the pin and let loose with a spray of containment that doused the burning dryer from Hell.

Effectively covering the entire bathroom in whatever chemical they put in those things. And due to the fact that the bathroom fan was running, and the ceiling fan in the bedroom was running, and the spray and fumes had nowhere else to go, half the damn bedroom got covered in the very same chemicals.

No time to clean up as guests had already started arriving for the party. The master bedroom and bath were totally off limits. It's a good thing we had two other functioning bathrooms.

So I plead with you, nay, beg of you.......do away with the demonic devices that dry out your locks and go back to toweling off and hoping for the best.

Talk about neighborly

2009-01-19T14:15:00.000-05:00

as seen out and about 1/19/2009

This coming from a guy with 3 kids

2008-10-17T14:14:00.000-05:00

as seen while out on the job today

Turn me on

2008-10-16T23:15:00.002-05:00

I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctors' offices on everything from tissues to exam table cover paper. Well, in my book, this one should get the prize.

October 8, 2008

2008-10-16T23:12:00.001-05:00

Max Conley was brought into this world

and all I got was this t-shirt

I don't like spiders

2008-10-15T21:15:00.002-05:00

and this was the one I just about walked right into the other day while I was out inspecting a house.

Ah the perils of my notoriously dangerous job!

And for the record, I don't like bats either.

Subtleties in polite society

2008-10-06T20:32:00.001-05:00

I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one with a sense of humor.

And no, they didn't really mean it, very nice people actually.

Every now and then you just need photographic proof that you weren't being followed

2008-10-01T14:43:00.000-05:00

Next time I'll work on my pecs

2008-09-30T11:07:00.002-05:00

Ever wonder where jumbo shrimp come from? They're down at the local Y working out, taking 'roids, and running circles around the other sea creatures.

Would've made a helluva Reebok commercial.

Pain Don't Hurt

2008-09-11T00:34:00.001-05:00

Remember that scene in Road House, after Patrick Swayze got cut and the hot doctor was about to administer staples to close him back up? The hot doctor asked him if he wanted anesthetic and he refused stating that “pain don’t hurt”.

Well, this is nothing like that at all.

El Jefe had gone through something minor that required stitches. Stitches need to be removed at some point after they’re in place. Normally, one would travel to a medical facility to have them removed. But not if you’re over-booked and short on “normal business hour” time.

Out comes the Leatherman multi-tool and the question, “want to cut out my stitches”?

Oh HELL no........But I’ll watch!

Nothing quite turns the stomach like watching someone, in dim light, swab themselves with rubbing alcohol, drink a beer, and then proceed to cut out stitches with what amounts to a Swiss Army knife on steroids.

Did I mention that the lamp had to be repositioned so that he could see better?

Did I mention that the lamp in question is one of those touch lamps? No knob or button. Just touch it and it turns on. Or off for that matter.

The best entertainment was watching as he tried to remove stitches in a dimly lit room and every time he bumped the light it turned off rendering the procedure into a “time out” due to darkness.

Moral of the story, if you’re short on time and can’t make it to a certified medical facility, get yourself a bottle of rubbing alcohol, a case of beer, a multi-use tool, and a friend to watch and laugh, and you too can play doctor in your own home.

And for the record, it did hurt a bit. Patrick Swayze he ain't.

say it with frosting

2008-09-11T00:17:00.002-05:00

We are expecting our second child in October.

Family and friends threw a baby shower for us in September.

Knowing the people that we associate with, I am somewhat surprised that a cake of a similar nature as the one shown below was not brought to that shower.

Of course, they would have had to change the name......and the skin color......and the, ahem, cup size.......but it is just soooooo in bad taste that it would have been a huge hit!

Daily Chuck

2008-09-08T18:00:00.002-05:00

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Why breastfeeding Moms should not drink....

2008-09-08T17:39:00.002-05:00

The following is an email I received from a friend of mine. I am passing this along as a public service to all potential mothers out there.

.......My sister got married the last weekend in April. She had an open bar....YIPPPEEE!!!! BUT, I have NO tolerance for alcohol since I had a baby and am still breastfeeding. I can actually get pretty loopy off of 3 beers and even 1, if I chug it. I am fully aware of this, not to mention I am breastfeeding and don't want to be drunk/hung over having to do my normal Motherly duties.

As soon as the wedding was over there was a cocktail hour. My wonderful husband went and got me a vodka tonic. When I was done with that one, he went and got me another one. Since I was in the wedding I had to go into the reception once everyone else was seated.......you know the announcing of the wedding party crap. While the wine was being offered to the guests at the table my wonderful husband (I do really love him) got me a glass of red wine. It was Fat Bastard Chiraz...one of my favorites!!

I drank this glass of wine, did my surprisingly sentimental unrehearsed speech during which I got teary-eyed. I went back to my table and told my husband I had 3 drinks and it was his turn to go hit the bar and drink up. He was so kind to tell me it was ok and that I could keep drinking. I am not sure why, knowing my zero tolerance, but I proceeded over to the bar where I got another vodka tonic. At this point the college mode switch must have gotten turned on accidentally. I ended up having about 7-8 vodka tonics. The reception was only about 4 hours. For some reason I did not think that this was enough alcohol in my body and since I had some pumped milk with me I decided to do a couple of Cabawaba Tequila shots with a highschool chum of mine that was at the wedding.

I did not feel too terribly drunk but ended up talking to my brother and his wife about a huge family war that they started. Not really the appropriate time or place to do this, not to mention I have no clue what I said. Around this point, most everyone was gone, I started to feel the vodka and tequila hitting me pretty suddenly.

I turned around on the boardwalk walkway to go to the bathroom. It was wet because it had been raining and I was wearing some slick soled flip flops....not really an excuse......but I somehow (it's a bit unclear) stumbled and fell forwards and then backwards. I remember my head flinging back and to the side, where the right side of my nose must have made impact with something (maybe a railing?) and then proceeded to fall off the walkway landing on the left side of my nose and busting up my knee.

One strap was ripped off my dress and blood was pouring out of my nose and bleeding from the right side from whatever I hit. I thought it was broken for sure. By this point my memory is very clouded and these events were gathered from observers.

I went to the bathroom and was sitting on the toilet with my panties arond my ankles with a huge crowd around me in my ripped and bloodied dress and my profusely bleeding nose. From what I hear the videographers got this on tape.

At this point my wonderful husband and my uncle had to carry me to my car. My husband and brother took turns wiggling my nose to see if it was broken. it did not hurt at this point. Then they put me in the car where I curled up in a ball on the back seat holding my nose with toilet paper.

When I got back home, my husband took the baby inside while my uncle stayed in the car with me. At this point I decided it was a good time to throw up. My uncle was so kind as to hold my head up while I sat in the car and puked in between his feet. Of course this made my nose start pouring with blood again (I know this because I remembering looking down at my pile of puke filled with blood).

Oh yeah...and did I mention I was supposed to take my uncle to the airport at 4am??? My brother ended up having to come from an hour away to drive another 45 min to take my uncle to the airport.

I had to go to the doctor the next day.....and no my nose wasn't broken. But, I was so hung over and my nose hurt so bad and I hadn't relieved my milk jugs in way too long, that when I got to the doctor's office HE had to tell me that I was leaking. I had two HUGE wet circles on my shirt where I had leaked because I was so messed up I forgot to put my breast pads on.

SO THAT'S why breastfeeding Mom's with no alcohol tolerance should not drink. And even if you think you MIGHT wear that bridesmaid dress again....think about what it will look like covered in blood with ripped straps!! It might not be so wearable again after all.

Hope you enjoyed my story and it was worth the wait. I am hoping there won't be another one like this any time soon. In all my years of playing sports and all the strange injuries I have had over the years I have never had a bloody nose. What an experience!! It really is amazing what I am capable of.

Take care and feel free to share this........INGRID

Belly Bob

2008-09-08T13:20:00.003-05:00

The other day, the boy was complaining about his stomach not feeling well. In an effort to alleviate his discomfort (which by the way he was faking) I decided to draw him a face, using the belly button as the mouth.

The look on his face is after he realized I had used a permanent marker and the face was not coming off any time soon.

Crazy Boy

2008-08-20T20:14:00.001-05:00

This is what happens when you leave your phone lying around with a tech savvy 5 year old

People come up with the weirdest conclusions

2008-08-11T09:32:00.002-05:00

I was talking with a client of mine earlier this morning regarding new business and one of the houses I had seen for her earlier in the month. She stopped me cold by asking me how old I am. This is a question I had not run across before from a business standpoint.

Seeing as how age is irrelevant and I didn't want to get involved in a discrimination case, I was a bit taken aback. But I answered nonetheless. 33.

She then proceeded to explain why she was even asking. One of the homeowners I had met had told her that I was a 19 year old Appalachian State student who played his music loud.

Wow.

I can see where I might confuse some people, considering I am the father of 1 with another on the way and an Appalachian grad. So sue me for playing my music too loud!

It must be my baby face. Considering I still get carded for beer and smokes, I can understand the 19 year old look. It's a curse.

And if it's too loud, you're too old.

But I think the real problem was the fact that it wasn't country music that was blaring from the speakers of my car.

This one's for Lisa

2008-08-10T22:09:00.002-05:00

WHEN PIGS FLY

When pigs fly is an informal way to joke that you will never do something. Example: "Do you think you will ever work at that company again?" Reply: "When pigs fly!"

goenglish.com/WhenPigsFly

Very helpful to use the saying in the way that it was meant

I Smoke

2008-07-18T20:32:00.002-05:00

and I'm not afraid to let people know

except it's not my car

but this was seen today while out in Kannapolis, NC.

Cannonball!

2008-06-30T16:39:00.003-05:00

The boy started swim lessons today.

After realizing that we couldn't stop him from going off the diving board, we decided it would be best if the professionals taught him how to swim.

Daily Chuck

2008-05-26T21:18:00.001-05:00

If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

The great Memorial Day Weekend incident of ‘08

2008-05-26T21:17:00.001-05:00

I used to think that there were really only two things in this world that must be feared: ninjas and pirates. (I’m not even going to bring Chuck Norris into this discussion, seeing as he could take out a whole village of ninjas and a fleet of pirates simply by sneezing)

But that was before I was viciously attacked by one of nature’s deadliest, as-of-yet unknown, creatures……….the wheelbarrow.

Laugh if you will, but I have the scars to prove it. And a witness. An un-helping, non-observant, could-have-prevented-the-whole-thing witness.

Saturday at the gracious invite of the in-laws, I’m down at the coast having just enjoyed a nice dinner with family. Made sure that all of the significant others and children were in bed and down for the count. My brother-in-law (BIL) and I decide that we’d like to venture out, check out the local nightlife, chat up the friendly barmaids. Unfortunately for me, that’s a decision that led to pain and embarrassment.

Being on vacation, it goes without saying (although I am telling you now) that alcohol played a significant role in this little misadventure.

It was dark. The kind of dark you read about in vampire books. I had lost count by that time, but I was certainly into the double digits regarding the number beverages I had consumed. My BIL and I were in the garage formulating our game plan and finishing off the last of our beers before heading out into the night.

We didn’t want to raise the bay doors to the garage as that would have made too much noise for those sleeping in the room directly above it. We made the wise decision to exit from the side entrance. However, we failed to be wise regarding illumination, and as I mentioned before it was Sleepy Hollow dark outside.

Being down at the coast, I was less concerned about possible ninja activity as I was about the more probable pirate plundering that could have been taking place. This was an unfortunate mistake on my part as I should always be wary of ninjas. Or in this case, ninja-trained wheelbarrows.

BIL, being the daredevil that he is, exited the garage, taking point. I followed closely, the lit end of a cigarette the only illumination for this journey.

Did I mention that it was dark? So dark that the large form of BIL was obscured, a possible ninja wheelbarrow mind trick, but I can’t be certain. I thought I was right behind the man, but I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I found out later that with BIL’s extensive athletic training, he was able to side-step and dance around the imminent danger that lurked right outside the garage walls. I was not so lucky.

I felt a pain, that of carefully sharpened steel, pierce my lower left leg. Before I even knew what was happening I was in the grip of the dastardly wheelbarrow, flailing about, unable to even see my assailant. I felt the harsh grate of brick rip down my beer-holding hand, the feel of metal on skin that is almost undescribable. What, in reality only took a few seconds, felt like an eternity of struggle, with my painful defeat looming in the near future.

Bruised, battered, bleeding, and laying on unforgiving cold concrete, BIL finally came back into focus. And as he tried to hold back his laughter, the only thing he could think of was if this debacle would end our night of frivolity before it ever began. I assured him that it would take more than a crafty ninja wheelbarrow to put a stop to nonsense such as we were about to embark upon.

But the only thought that would enter into my discombobulated brain was, “shit, I spilled my beer”.

beers

2008-05-14T23:40:00.002-05:00

pimp myspace

Since Kevin was so late for the party, I sent him a picture of every beer I had all night.

He loved it.

And since he sent me pictures of every beer, I thought it would be easier to put them all together instead of having 10 separate pics posted.

Science Lesson

2008-05-11T22:27:00.000-05:00

Ever jerk off in the shower? Yeah, neither do I. But a friend of mine has admitted to doing it. And if one person has admitted to doing it, then I’m fairly certain that he’s not the only one. Why bring up such a topic? Not because I want to guess at the masturbatory habits of the general public, but rather to ponder the possibility of mutants.

You’re probably asking yourself right now “what possible connection could there be between self pleasure and an abomination against nature itself?”

Give me a minute.

I’m sure that everyone’s aware of the “alligator in the sewer” myth. If not, Google is your friend. Turns out that it wasn’t completely a myth. At some point in time, in some sewer, there was more than likely an alligator roaming around.

Now let’s assume for a minute that the sewer in question, home to at least one alligator, was also somehow connected to the waste line of the local nuclear power plant. Not all scientists and technicians are as clean and environmentally thoughtful as we are led to believe. So at some point a bit of the waste by-products of nuclear engineering has probably been flushed down the toilet.

Once it’s flushed, it travels down the sewer pipes. The same sewer pipes that the mythical alligator calls home. And at the same time, those self pleasure seeking showering types are also depositing DNA down the drain and into the same sewer system.

What do YOU think happens when radioactive material, human DNA, and a sewer dwelling alligator all get caught up in the mixing bowl of the underground sewer system?

I’ll tell you. Walking, talking, kung-fu fists of fury alligators begin to appear. And don’t think that they aren’t reproducing either! There are some freaky women out there. And enough drugs and alcohol available to bend the mind and make one of these tramps think that it’s a good idea to engage in a bit of the mattress mambo with one of these gator-men (for lack of a better term). You think a suave half-gator half-man is gonna turn down a free piece, even if it is for novelty’s sake? Hell no. Bottom line……..evolution. I wouldn’t be surprised if you saw a whole rash of this type of behavior start up.

And remember, every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.

99 Words for Boobs

2008-04-29T21:28:00.001-05:00

Career day, not always a good idea!

2008-04-22T00:09:00.000-05:00

The appropriate way to utilize the upcoming Government Rebate

2008-04-21T18:18:00.002-05:00

As you may have heard, the Bush Administration said each and every one of us would now get a nice rebate.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .

If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs.

If we purchase a computer it will all go to India.

If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.

If we purchase a good car it will all go to Japan.

If we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes and beer, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

Finally, an economic plan I can really support!

Flamily Planning

2008-04-21T18:14:00.001-05:00

Cause making signs and common sense don't always go together..........just like making babies and common sense

The house that Ryan built

2008-04-03T07:17:00.001-05:00

Working on HVAC and trying to shape some sheet metal the other night, I thought I was at a 4th of July fireworks display. Then I realized that it was April I couldn't have traveled forward in time.

Back in the day

2008-02-28T15:35:00.002-05:00

Ah yes......life was so much simpler back when Schlitz was a popular brand

No Fat Chicks

2008-02-13T19:42:00.002-05:00

I had a couple of appointments in Charlotte today.

Unfortunately, I missed my turn into the neighborhood and had to find a spot to turn-around.

Finding the nearest parking lot, I pulled in and turned the car around to be able to make my destination.

And then I realized that I was in the parking lot of an adult establishment. Not that it bothered me.

But their sign out front of the building really had me intrigued.

I didn't have the time this afternoon to verify whether or not there was any truth in their advertising. But I'm sure there will always be another opportunity.

The birds and the bees.........and diamonds

2008-02-04T11:49:00.000-05:00

Have you ever wondered what idiots look like?

2008-01-25T14:42:00.000-05:00

YES, THAT IS A POWER CORD FLOATING ON FLIP FLOPS!

Too Many Sweets

2008-01-18T00:33:00.001-05:00

Why the groom is never allowed to order the wedding cake...

2008-01-18T00:07:00.001-05:00

Sometimes you just know

2008-01-18T00:03:00.000-05:00

David's Discount Carbon Credits®

2008-01-17T23:57:00.000-05:00

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Directly from the Evil Tyrant himself

Automotive genitalia

2008-01-17T23:17:00.000-05:00

More commonly referred to as Truck NutsAlways thought these things were funny. Of course, it's always funnier when they're brass. But then again, I'm a bit of a redneck.

And the only reason I even bother to post this is due to this news story:
Chesapeake Delegate Sponsors Nutty Bill - UPDATE

a Chesapeake lawmaker introduced a bill that bans "truck nuts" from your truck or SUV.

What, now we're being told what kind of accessories we can and cannot put on our vehicles?

Spruill says these types of dangling do-dads are tacky, vulgar, and downright embarassing. It still has a long way to go before it ever becomes law.

Even if they are seen as tacky, vulgar, and embarassing, doesn't our right to free speech protect against this kind of ban? Hell, more than half of what people say to each other in the open streets of America is tacky, vulgar, and potentially embarassing. Where's the bill to make these statements illegal? To make normal, everyday people shut the hell up or fear penalty of fine or imprisonment?

Spruill says the idea for the bill came to him after the daughter of one of the people in his district saw a pair of the testicles hanging from the back of a truck in traffic. That's when Spruill put the bill in action. Although he says he hasn't found anyone to co-sponsor it with him.

No shit he hasn't found anyone to co-sponsor this bill. How many people want to look that idiotic? "Why yes, I helped co-sponsor the bill that made fake testicles on a truck illegal. What's that? Drug problem? Prostitution issue? Homeless people? World Hunger and Global Warming? We've no time for things of such insignificance. We've got to make sure the children don't see dangling balls from a truck."

Hey Einstein, ever take your kids to the zoo? Have you tried to pas a bill to remove the testicles of ever animal in the zoo? Heaven forbid we let the children see that. Or worse yet, try to have their parents explain it.

I think this registers as close as possible to a " 10" on my "why do we give a shit" meter. I've got an idea. Why don't our politicians, our lawmakers, worry about the shit that actually affects people on a daily basis instead of some fake nuts hanging from a truck. Out of spite, I'm getting these and putting them on my truck as soon as possible.

Just because a sect of people don't have class, common sense, or decent taste does not mean that what they do should be made illegal. Then again, if that were the case, more than half of our elected officials would be behind bars. I'm starting to like this. If we can put a rider on the bill that would ensure "stupid" could get arrested as well, then I'll bite, but otherwise, get your hands off my nuts.

Daily Chuck

2008-01-17T23:15:00.001-05:00

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

Rock Star in training

2008-01-17T22:23:00.000-05:00

If it's one thing I've learned from having a child, it's that people that don't have children find it funny to give gifts that are obnoxious and almost all of them make loud noises.

They do this to torment you more than bring joy to a child. They laugh and think it's funny, because, hell, that noise won't be disturbing them once they go home. Oh yeah, and grandparents are notorious for this as well.

Now, please forgive the quality as the video was taken using a phone, but without further ado I present to you Connor, the rock star in training:

Creepy Crawlies and things that go bump in the night

2008-01-17T22:10:00.000-05:00

or more realistically, things that scurry about, eating crumbs you've dropped, and dropping a few pellets themselves.

El Jefe thinks he has a squirrel living in the drop ceiling of his basement. Says he has heard it running around above the tiles and the lights. Has no idea how it got into the house, or even if there is more than one of them.

He tried to find it. He tried to shoot it with his Red Ryder bb gun, you know the one: "An official Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time"

He's gone to the trouble of installing an elaborate cage trap with corn for bait. He's bought rat traps big enough to catch a raccoon. He's almost broken his finger trying to set those traps. He's been thwarted by the furry little meat puppet, having checked his traps to find that the peanut butter he was using as bait had been licked clean without springing the trap.

And after all that effort, he checked again last night and found out that outside of his potential squirrel problem, he might also have a mouse infestation.
Too bad his cat is too fat and too much outdoors to help in alleviating this issue. But then again, if it were an in-shape, indoor cat, I can only envision a Tom & Jerry scenario anyway.

action shot

2008-01-17T22:05:00.000-05:00

There's nothing really special going on here. Just a few friends playing cards while at the beach. I just found it pretty amazing to be able to take an action shot of a card game with a camera phone.This was before things got rowdy. Don't have any pics that I'm allowed to post of that.

Inappropriate

2008-01-17T22:02:00.001-05:00

Went to my mother-in-law's for her birthday. Her son, my brother-in-law, a big guy by almost any standards, made a visible effort to change into the shirt you see pictured below. And he wonders why people give him grief on a regular basis.

On-line dating

2008-01-17T21:48:00.001-05:00

Was never big into on-line dating. Might have something to do with it not really being all that prevalent before I got married. But now, there are so many different on-line dating sites, it's crazy. No one out of my dysfunctional circle of friends has attempted it to my knowledge. They all did it the old fashioned way. Started an illicit affair with a co-worker, was approached by an overbearing woman in a piano bar, met in college at a frat party kegger, had an arranged marriage, stalked a stripper, you know, the normal way to do things without a keyboard.

But family members on the other hand, they decided to go against the grain, to try the non-conventional. To take pictures of themselves and post a profile of themselves and what they were looking for in the opposite sex online. I can't even imagine how many crazies they had to reject, how many "blind dates" they had to go on. But they persevered.

Both my sister and a cousin of mine not only found success through online dating, but also found husbands as well. My cousin was so successful, the company used her and her stalk.....er.....boyfriend/husband, whatever in one of their ads:I think my sister used a different online service, but the results were the same. With the exception of being turned into a poster child for keyboard dating.

Might not work for everybody. And I'm sure that if I were still single, I'd probably being giving it a shot as well. Or simply going to the nearest bar and seeing which women were drunk enough to comply to me doing body shots off of them.

personalized plates should be outlawed

2008-01-17T21:45:00.001-05:00

Went out to see a property in a new sub-division a while back and found this car in the parking lot of the builder's model home.
Can't be for sure if the plate is meant to reflect the car or the driver, but either way, I'm not real comfortable with it.

A boat by any other name

2008-01-17T21:41:00.000-05:00

wouldn't be as funny
I don't know if you can actually make it out in the pic, but across the top where the fishing poles would go says "T-Bag". And for those that don't know, there's always the urban dictionary

This is why it's always a good idea to travel with a camera.

Correct Pronunciation

2008-01-17T21:17:00.000-05:00

There is a right way and a wrong way to pronounce

Oklahoma

The proper way is:

"Okla . . . homa"

(There's a pause between the "a" and the "h".)

See the reason below.

Lord of the Dance.....the next generation

2008-01-17T21:02:00.001-05:00

My boy and his younger cousin, apparently in the middle of a performance

Subservient much?

2008-01-17T20:58:00.001-05:00

If only that were true......

2008-01-17T20:53:00.001-05:00

The good news is, I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance

2007-10-28T21:39:00.000-05:00

The bad news is, I wrecked my car.

Traveling on I-85 on Friday (during the much needed rain) my car hit a patch of standing water and began to hyrdoplane. I was in the far left lane and started moving uncontrollably towards the concrete highway divider. The wheels caught for an instant and the car started to correct itself, but that was only for an instant. We then went into a 360 degree spin across four lanes of interstate, tires grasping at the soggy grass of the shoulder, spinning us another 180 degrees down an embankment, crashing to a stop against a tree. Did I mention I was towing a trailer at the time? Yeah. That trailer probably saved our lives. Seems the added weight and length kept the vehicle from going into a top over bottom roll.

My wife and child were in the car with me when this happened. Thankfully everyone was unharmed. Shaken, but not stirred.

Now it's a matter of the insurance company determining how much, and what kind of damage was actually done to the car.
Just a little bit of damage.
Doesn't really look that bad from this angle.
State trooper, wife on phone in the rain, and mother-in-law checking on us.
Tow truck that winched me out of the embankment.
This is a shot of the tree invading my personal space.

Didn't even scrape bark off the tree. It was on bad mutha.

The picture below makes it look like nothing's wrong, just parked really close to a tree.

Below is the tree I hit, see how nice, close, and cozy we got?

Costume Ideas

2007-10-23T11:33:00.000-05:00

With the Halloween festivities looming in front of us, I have been deliberating for some time now as to which costume I would use to showcase my holiday spirit.

And I think that I've found a winner!

How to get a man to wash his hands

2007-10-06T10:48:00.000-05:00